Yeshivas to develop intramural athletics

A surprising tide of announcements regarding newly developed intramural athletics programs has recently rushed in from many right-wing Yeshivas. It seems that the rather sedentary lifestyles common to many yeshiva students has resulted in a large population of morbidly obese students. Many parents have blamed yeshivas for allowing physical development to take a backseat to academic training.

One yeshiva seems to be taking the lead in the new trend. Yeshiva Gedolai Chailev of Idletown, NJ recently put out the following statement: “In light of the strong outpouring of support for intramural athletics, we have decided to compile our first ever school teams in the following areas: chess, debate, and archery. We hope that with this we can satisfy those that have long called for greater participation in local and regional competition.”

Despite the Yeshiva’s belated efforts, however, many parents and students have expressed disappointment with the direction of the program. Mrs. Louis “fatty” Green, a local resident, said, “The yeshiva’s decision to participate in only the most inactive of sports does nothing to help shed the excess weight that our children have gained whilst doodling in global history class. I myself am fat. My parents were fat. And now my kids will continue the tradition of, well, being fat.”

Students at the yeshiva have also expressed regret at the faculty’s decision to select debate, archery and chess as the only available intramurals. One such student, David Lakshon, said, “I’m no expert but when was the last time you saw a cheerleading squad at an archery meet? Never! That’s what I thought. Useless! This whole program is useless! We don’t even get those varsity jackets that real athletes get. If I wind up a 40 year old virgin, I will have no one to blame but my school.”

Another student  (with an odor resembling a cannabis plant) commented, “If this means that the old gymnasium is going to be used now, then I don’t know where I’m gonna move to.”

FJN will be in Mexico until next week. Chow.

Orthodox Rabbinate Promotes Female Crossdressing

Orthodox Rabbinate Promotes Female Crossdressing

In a sharp reversal of previous decree (also known as a fatwa in Islamic circles), rabbinic authorities the world over have begun enforcing a new dress code among orthodox women. Amidst a resurgence in popularity of snug-fitting womenswear, rabbis have urged all women (especially attractive ones) to begin donning unflattering menswear. The new restriction comes shortly after a ban on arm-swinging, hair-swooshing and sitting.

In a rare interview with FJN, Rabbi Jonathan Nuchbesser of Hokker County, NY, stated, “ironically, the new, so called “minimalist” look that dominates women’s fashion has actually resulted in a maximum amount of unnecessary exposure.” He continued, “the time has come for us to dispose of traditional womenswear and adopt the more modest look of pleated pants and buttondown shirts. And while I am aware that traditional halacha authorities would grimace at the very thought of this decree, I say that if men can use moisturizer, then women can wear pant suits.”

Expectedly, the ban has been met with much resistance from the Reform and Reconstructionist branches of Judaism. In yet another rare interview with FJN, Rabbi Sally Jessy Raphael of Congregation Beth Ohev Noshim, remarked (rather masculinely), “the orthodox community continues to suppress female expression with this ban on women’s clothing. What’s next? Perhaps we should stop playing wind instruments such as the saxophone because it can conjure up certain images that revolve around ‘blowing'”? Visibly distraught, Ms. Jessy Raphael continued with some sarcasm, “who are these rabbis to decide what is hot and what is not? If I find women who wear those cute headbands attractive (not that I do, I’m just saying) would they then go ahead and ban those too or is some sort of majority consensus required? I mean seriously, do they have like weekly roundtable discussions about what’s too stimulating to tolerate? Jesus (expletive deleted) Christ!”

Others, however, were more receptive to the decree. Isaac ben Mamzer commented, “It’s all good with me. I mean I totally dig chics with pants anyway, especially those juicy ones.” He continued, “Hot Damn!”

In the cloud of confusion that this decree has wrought, one thing seems clear: the ultimate losers will be young girls with older siblings. For they alone will now receive hand-me-downs from not just their sisters, but their brothers as well.

My First Post

Hello all. I have decided to begin writing a satirical web log that pokes fun at some of the over-the-top practices of orthodox Judaism. The blog shall be entirely in the spirit of good-natured humour and free of any resentment, latent or otherwise. I hope to model it after such satirical bastions as The Onion and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Figuring that most of us have precious little do with our time anyway, we may as well unite in laughter. Anyway, I hope that this finds you with nothing but an open-mind and a willingness to put your big fat tongue in your big fat cheek.

Kiddush Club v. Sleeping In

Authorities in authoritative positions at authoritative places have recently documented a five-fold increase in the amount of kiddush club associations within orthodox synagogues. Many analysts attribute this unprecedented rise in alcohol and herring consumption to a similar decrease in the attendance of single women at such synagogues.

When asked to comment, Rabbi Hershel Fishschnitzel said, “our male youth has always had a preference to socialize with their female counterparts. Now that women have all but neglected their obligation to come to shul and socialize, however, men are forced to soicialize with their own sex over such classical foodstuff as matyas herring and egg kichel.”

Another male observer optimistically noted that, “I usually don’t wake up before 10:15 on Saturday mornings, but now that my shul has a kiddush club, I think I’ll start to get up a little bit earlier so as to negotiate an ideal position in front of the Chivas.”

Renewed Mussar Drive Results in Record High Seforim Store Revenue

Amidst a backdrop of widespread shiurim, high levels of disposable income and simple peer pressure, seforim stores in the wider Brooklyn, NY area are experiencing record sales volume of seforim and other books that will inevitably collect dust in closed-door bookshelves.

Most experts are attributing this spectacular demand for seforim to a much-praised revitalization of the mussar movement. Some even suggest that we may be entering a new era where sales of classical halacha seforim such as the mishnah berura may be trumped by more modern mussar books as “How to Dress not to Impress” and “The Complete Idiots Guide to Davening in Public Places, Like an Airplane, and not be Noticed.”

A seforim store representative from Shmeichlers noted that, “we are having difficulty keeping up with the soaring demand for pocket mussar books such as “How to Keep Your Friends Close and Your Rebbeim Closer.”

Yeshivishometer

For this past week in Yeshivish, it seems that the seemingly ubiquitous “Grada” has been ousted from his throne to be replaced by “Punct,” a word that has long managed to escape the Yeshivish radar. With the expected heat wave coming, however, “Shvits” is widely agreed to have the most staying power.

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