Orthodox Rabbinate Promotes Female Crossdressing

Orthodox Rabbinate Promotes Female Crossdressing

In a sharp reversal of previous decree (also known as a fatwa in Islamic circles), rabbinic authorities the world over have begun enforcing a new dress code among orthodox women. Amidst a resurgence in popularity of snug-fitting womenswear, rabbis have urged all women (especially attractive ones) to begin donning unflattering menswear. The new restriction comes shortly after a ban on arm-swinging, hair-swooshing and sitting.

In a rare interview with FJN, Rabbi Jonathan Nuchbesser of Hokker County, NY, stated, “ironically, the new, so called “minimalist” look that dominates women’s fashion has actually resulted in a maximum amount of unnecessary exposure.” He continued, “the time has come for us to dispose of traditional womenswear and adopt the more modest look of pleated pants and buttondown shirts. And while I am aware that traditional halacha authorities would grimace at the very thought of this decree, I say that if men can use moisturizer, then women can wear pant suits.”

Expectedly, the ban has been met with much resistance from the Reform and Reconstructionist branches of Judaism. In yet another rare interview with FJN, Rabbi Sally Jessy Raphael of Congregation Beth Ohev Noshim, remarked (rather masculinely), “the orthodox community continues to suppress female expression with this ban on women’s clothing. What’s next? Perhaps we should stop playing wind instruments such as the saxophone because it can conjure up certain images that revolve around ‘blowing'”? Visibly distraught, Ms. Jessy Raphael continued with some sarcasm, “who are these rabbis to decide what is hot and what is not? If I find women who wear those cute headbands attractive (not that I do, I’m just saying) would they then go ahead and ban those too or is some sort of majority consensus required? I mean seriously, do they have like weekly roundtable discussions about what’s too stimulating to tolerate? Jesus (expletive deleted) Christ!”

Others, however, were more receptive to the decree. Isaac ben Mamzer commented, “It’s all good with me. I mean I totally dig chics with pants anyway, especially those juicy ones.” He continued, “Hot Damn!”

In the cloud of confusion that this decree has wrought, one thing seems clear: the ultimate losers will be young girls with older siblings. For they alone will now receive hand-me-downs from not just their sisters, but their brothers as well.

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9 Responses to “Orthodox Rabbinate Promotes Female Crossdressing”

  1. Frum Hiker Says:

    Dude this is one of the only blogs I have laughed at thank you kindly- I will be tagging you one of these days.

  2. fakejewishnews Says:

    Thanks buddy, i try…i should warn u that i only have so many ideas and will most likely be forced to liquidate the endeavor in short time.

  3. notsofrummie Says:

    haha that was funny. Those head bands are cute, but sometimes makes it more difficult to see if their married, they almost look like they are covering their hair. hey, thats funny you made mamzer a black dude. lol

  4. EK Says:

    Wow, haven’t even thought of Sally Jesse Raphael in years. Where is she now? And does she still have those big round red-framed glasses?

  5. fakejewishnews Says:

    NSF – Mssr. ben Mamzer is the farthest thing from black. In fact, he is so white that he feels the need to compensate for his pallid complexion by wearing his oversized jeans so low that they only serve to obstruct the natural rhythm of his walk – he is forced to walk like something akin to a penguin.

    EK – Maddame SJR actually fell on hard times a short while ago. She had an expensive addiction to Entenman’s pastries and was forced to accept a job as a mortgage broker in Lynchburg, VA to supplement her meager income from serving as a daytime televesion talk-show host. Recently, however, she found that certain jewish people would be willing to subsidize her expensive habit if she served as the mouthpiece for their congregation. It’s terrible. She needs help.

  6. shlemazl Says:

    Man, this was really funny. My trouble is that with this Orthodox thing I never know what’s meant as a joke and what’s for real. For example…

    I’ve read that a few Rabbis cleared an El Al flight of all the females, including stuardesses. Was that for real? I mean how can you avoid seeing females? And what’s gonna happen if they do see a little skin?

  7. fakejewishnews Says:

    That would suck big time. The main draw of an Israel trip are the El-Al stuardesses. If you’re with me shout, “ehhhhhhh!”

  8. irenetancd Says:

    Hello 🙂

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