Orthodox Rabbinate Promotes Female Crossdressing

Orthodox Rabbinate Promotes Female Crossdressing

In a sharp reversal of previous decree (also known as a fatwa in Islamic circles), rabbinic authorities the world over have begun enforcing a new dress code among orthodox women. Amidst a resurgence in popularity of snug-fitting womenswear, rabbis have urged all women (especially attractive ones) to begin donning unflattering menswear. The new restriction comes shortly after a ban on arm-swinging, hair-swooshing and sitting.

In a rare interview with FJN, Rabbi Jonathan Nuchbesser of Hokker County, NY, stated, “ironically, the new, so called “minimalist” look that dominates women’s fashion has actually resulted in a maximum amount of unnecessary exposure.” He continued, “the time has come for us to dispose of traditional womenswear and adopt the more modest look of pleated pants and buttondown shirts. And while I am aware that traditional halacha authorities would grimace at the very thought of this decree, I say that if men can use moisturizer, then women can wear pant suits.”

Expectedly, the ban has been met with much resistance from the Reform and Reconstructionist branches of Judaism. In yet another rare interview with FJN, Rabbi Sally Jessy Raphael of Congregation Beth Ohev Noshim, remarked (rather masculinely), “the orthodox community continues to suppress female expression with this ban on women’s clothing. What’s next? Perhaps we should stop playing wind instruments such as the saxophone because it can conjure up certain images that revolve around ‘blowing'”? Visibly distraught, Ms. Jessy Raphael continued with some sarcasm, “who are these rabbis to decide what is hot and what is not? If I find women who wear those cute headbands attractive (not that I do, I’m just saying) would they then go ahead and ban those too or is some sort of majority consensus required? I mean seriously, do they have like weekly roundtable discussions about what’s too stimulating to tolerate? Jesus (expletive deleted) Christ!”

Others, however, were more receptive to the decree. Isaac ben Mamzer commented, “It’s all good with me. I mean I totally dig chics with pants anyway, especially those juicy ones.” He continued, “Hot Damn!”

In the cloud of confusion that this decree has wrought, one thing seems clear: the ultimate losers will be young girls with older siblings. For they alone will now receive hand-me-downs from not just their sisters, but their brothers as well.