Yeshivas to develop intramural athletics

A surprising tide of announcements regarding newly developed intramural athletics programs has recently rushed in from many right-wing Yeshivas. It seems that the rather sedentary lifestyles common to many yeshiva students has resulted in a large population of morbidly obese students. Many parents have blamed yeshivas for allowing physical development to take a backseat to academic training.

One yeshiva seems to be taking the lead in the new trend. Yeshiva Gedolai Chailev of Idletown, NJ recently put out the following statement: “In light of the strong outpouring of support for intramural athletics, we have decided to compile our first ever school teams in the following areas: chess, debate, and archery. We hope that with this we can satisfy those that have long called for greater participation in local and regional competition.”

Despite the Yeshiva’s belated efforts, however, many parents and students have expressed disappointment with the direction of the program. Mrs. Louis “fatty” Green, a local resident, said, “The yeshiva’s decision to participate in only the most inactive of sports does nothing to help shed the excess weight that our children have gained whilst doodling in global history class. I myself am fat. My parents were fat. And now my kids will continue the tradition of, well, being fat.”

Students at the yeshiva have also expressed regret at the faculty’s decision to select debate, archery and chess as the only available intramurals. One such student, David Lakshon, said, “I’m no expert but when was the last time you saw a cheerleading squad at an archery meet? Never! That’s what I thought. Useless! This whole program is useless! We don’t even get those varsity jackets that real athletes get. If I wind up a 40 year old virgin, I will have no one to blame but my school.”

Another student  (with an odor resembling a cannabis plant) commented, “If this means that the old gymnasium is going to be used now, then I don’t know where I’m gonna move to.”

FJN will be in Mexico until next week. Chow.


One Response to “Yeshivas to develop intramural athletics”

  1. EK Says:

    waiting eagerly for your next post!

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